Personal Space and Intimate Difference
by Tabi
Summary: Yaoi. EnamixTomoya. In a moment of peace, Enami takes the time out to introspect on the relationship shared between he and Tomoya. Some things might change and some things might try to come between them... but as things are, Enami is satisfied.


~Personal Space and Intimate Difference~

"_My parents said they'd be out of town next week._"

Nothing had seemed to prompt that line of thought. It had been one of those quiet lunchtimes - the sun was hot and high in the sky, students either chased each other around in the shimmering heat or lay back against grass or concrete to enjoy the weather while it lasted. The roof was often a popular venue for this, being higher it caught the light summer breeze as well as it did the sun... but that particular lunchtime, few students had been around. A few were, a few always were, but... a few was not enough to think anything strange of their Enami-sensei over in the corner talking to that Okita kid.

Tomoya hadn't looked at Enami as he'd said that. Enami had been leant over the rails, quietly watching what little activity went on down on the sports track below. Tomoya was sat on the concrete shelf built on the wall next to him, slowly making his way through a neat packed lunch. He filled the silence as Enami stared at him with one eyebrow raised by noisily finishing off his carton of fruit juice, setting it aside as he chose to face Enami squarely.

"_You could come over if you like._"

He'd spoken casually enough, but those words clearly held far more in their meaning and implication... it wasn't just a case of if he _liked_ to... this was a shining opportunity and Enami knew that he knew this as much as Tomoya himself had done. Holding that stare, he'd said nothing. Tomoya had picked himself up from the ledge, clearing up his lunch and slipping the empty box into his bag before hefting the strap over his shoulder.

"_If you wanted to._"

Of course he'd wanted to.

Enami leant on the windowsill, finding it cold against the bare skin of his arms. Still, that was to be expected... he'd originally woken up feeling too hot and had decided that opening the window would help. It felt somewhat cooler outside, occasionally a gentle breeze would rustle the nearby trees... but it was summer and even the wind felt warm. It was enough to displace the humidity, Enami felt refreshed for standing by the window... but as he watched the dark and silent town below, the streets all still and empty, he couldn't help but let his mind wander.

This view was different to how it had used to be.

The bedroom itself was fairly modest - like the rest of the apartment, it wasn't _large_ by any standard but it was enough to be comfortable in. Cosy. Tomoya never complained, in any case. There was a bed and a cupboard and a wardrobe, a chair that seemed to exist more for piling dirty clothes on than for sitting on, a stack of shelves that reached from halfway up the wall to the ceiling and a large desk beneath those. The desk especially seemed to invoke past memory - as far as Enami knew, Tomoya had brought it to the apartment from his parent's house when he'd moved. Something about it seemed a little too large for the room, though it was certainly sturdy. Half of the desk was tidy; his laptop lay closed and charging on this side, the wires tucked behind and plugged into the wall. It was the other side that spoke more prominently to Enami; he looked up from the windowsill, casting his gaze over the items Tomoya cluttered his desk with.

Some people liked a little disorganization. Tomoya didn't seem to be one of those people - there seemed nothing organized about that side of the desk at _all_. Various papers seemed to lay the foundation, perhaps they were just notes or maybe they were important, Enami didn't know and from the looks of it, Tomoya didn't care. A desk light broke free of the piles of paper around it, shining light down on several piles of CDs, a few scattered DVD boxes, several small notebooks, glass jars not made for the purpose holding pens and pencils and other items of stationary... a mug sat next to a glass with a straw in it, both empty and in need of washing. The same went for the two bowls stacked next to them - a few hours previous these had held noodles, but now they just waited to be carried to the kitchen for washing. An empty bottle sat next to these, though Enami wasn't sure where it had come from - he had a feeling it had been there beforehand. Perhaps Tomoya just liked it, he wasn't sure. It sat by Tomoya's keys and mobile phone, two seemingly important items that threatened to get lost in the sheer melee of _stuff_ that gathered on the desk.

That was no different. The laptop was a new addition but everything else seemed as if it had been precisely lifted from that memory - _those_ memories. How long ago had that been? It had been while Tomoya had still been living with his parents, had been while Tomoya had still been at Seirei... before so many other things had intervened and got in the way. That old Student Council. That trip to England. Those unpleasant things. It had been some three or four years since Tomoya had graduated Seirei and yet to be standing in the bedroom of his apartment, it seemed as if nothing had changed.

Perhaps it hadn't. Not _really_.

Enami's first instinct on seeing the light still on had been to turn it off - it always was. He was fairly used to switching off everything before he slept - in his own bedroom, the only light was that of the streetlights outside shining in through that gap where he hadn't closed the curtains properly and the red numbers of his bedside clock that silently glowed the time through the night. However, Tomoya was different to that; it had been back then that he'd learnt, hadn't it? That Tomoya didn't like sleeping with the lights off. Enami had had the same thought back then as he had fleetingly at the current moment - looking back to the bed, Tomoya was peacefully sleeping amongst the untidy sheets. So far gone, he wouldn't notice if the light was turned off, surely...?

He'd noticed that time, though. Almost the moment Enami had closed the light off, Tomoya had awoken in what seemed to be a sudden panic - a panic that wasn't lifted by the fact that Enami was no longer beside him. The light had gone on again. Even at that time, Enami had thought Tomoya's wide-eyed stare one of past memory... yet sometimes he couldn't help it, sometimes the most unlikely thing spurred on an unwanted memory. Enami had left the light on and returned to bed.

"_I don't like the dark._"

Again, Enami hadn't prompted Tomoya to speak. Tomoya's voice had been distant and sleepy as he'd nestled in Enami's arms, against Enami's chest... his tone was drowsy and he'd drifted off soon after.

"_... I never know who'll be there when I wake up, if it's dark..._"

Enami had left the light on after that.

It seemed that every time Enami visited, he couldn't help but think of how small the apartment was... Tomoya said that he liked it and Enami could see how, but he still found himself glad to a degree to return to his own apartment. Or take Tomoya back there. Of course, Tomoya's salary was far beneath Enami's own, such a thing was to be expected... but Enami would never have complained were Tomoya to ever want to move in with him. Megumi probably would, though.

Still, everybody needed their space and Enami knew how important it was for Tomoya to have some of his own. He'd enjoyed the taste of independence he'd gained from moving away from his parents (and his sister, of course)... he liked to have his own apartment, have his own job, make his own money, live his own life. Enami understood this perfectly but it didn't stop him from sometimes wanting to take Tomoya home with him - most times, in fact. Tomoya's firm independent streak made Enami despair to wonder if they would ever live together - sometimes when he allowed himself to dream it would be of Tomoya relying on him once more like how he had back _then_ - to keep him safe and provided for, to hold him close and keep him sheltered. If he never left the apartment, that would be alright. Enami would bring everything Tomoya needed.

You couldn't keep a person like a pet, though. You couldn't cage them and you couldn't stop them from growing up - and that had been half of Megumi's original concern. For all that Enami seemed to dote on Tomoya, if Enami really _was_ the kind of deviant she'd explicitly named him as in moments of anger and frustration, how much interest would Tomoya hold for him beyond Seirei? She'd glare at him with that kind of sideward stare she always had, saying that strictly speaking he was always surrounded by young teenagers in his day to day working life and in her opinion Enami posed a threat to any number of them. That had sparked some arguments. Enami didn't like to think he posed a threat to any of them and that was beside the point - it irritated him how starkly Megumi seemed to see it. He loved Tomoya because Tomoya was _Tomoya_, not because he'd once been a teenage schoolkid. That was nothing to do with anything, so he claimed.

Then she'd mention Shin, of course. Enami would usually glower silently at that point, partly because that usually made him too angry to speak and partly because he knew he had no argument to use against Megumi. There had been things about Shin that had reminded Enami of Tomoya back at the beginning and their shared musical interests had helped bring them together; in Enami's view, children like Tomoya and Shin needed all the support they could get and if he could provide any of that he could only do so willingly... Megumi didn't see it like that, she thought he was merely a pervert and a liability to the academic industry. She still stood by him but would always pick out his mistakes, of which she thought he made many. Enami didn't consider Tomoya or Shin to be mistakes, though Megumi certainly did.

However, Tomoya had no Akihiro to distract him and so had plainly relied on Enami. Too much so, some might have said. Even Enami had had his doubts at some points, though these were countered by the fact that he _knew_ he was coming to rely on Tomoya just as much...

The prospect of further teaching experience had only been part of what had sent Enami to England. Fear had done a nice job of building up the rest.

It had rained the night before. Enami felt aware of the night outside fading as he allowed his thoughts to wander... he turned his wrist up, checking the time. It was far too early to be awake, but... his mind didn't feel like it would let him sleep just yet. The scent of the morning air and the silent landscape outside brought back too many thoughts and memories... too many questions that were silenced by glancing to the left, by looking at the face of that sleeping boy who was, strictly speaking, no longer a boy at all. He would always be younger but he had definitely grown... he seemed stable now. Of course, back when he'd been at Seirei, back when he'd been a teenager... out of all the words to describe those tender years, Enami would never have chosen 'stable' for them. Hormones seemed to delight in the melodrama they could cause. Even so, Enami sometimes missed the possessive Tomoya that spoke with the passion of desperation. He'd been rather _wild_ back then.

That had been infectious.

It was easy to visit Tomoya now. He was usually free once his shift at the Convenience Store was over; sometimes he went out with friends but most nights he was free, so it seemed. Enami's nights tended to fill themselves with marking and other duties and responsibilities but he still found the time to visit Tomoya at least at the weekends. It was easier then - he didn't have to wake up too early and leave Tomoya's side under the covers for the sake of another day of work, he could allow himself to sleep in and treasure the moments as they were given... and so he could go to Tomoya's more or less as he liked as long as Tomoya was there and awake and generally, they seemed to enjoy each other's company. They'd have long conversations over cold cups of coffee, they'd watch television and play videogames, they'd kiss softly and touch gently and drive each other to desperation wherever they found the space, whether it was on the sofa or on the kitchen table, against the wardrobe or against the desk... there was nothing to stop them. Even an argument was an easy excuse for another hard fuck.

It was simple now. Life went on as it ever did. Children always grew up; the last time Enami had spoken to Shin, he'd been told of his plans for after Seirei - his plans with Akihiro. They were set to go to the same university, they were going to take a twin room and cut the costs. Enami doubted that was the only reason, but... this had still surprised him. However, Shin seemed perfectly content with this decision and sometimes you just had to let go. As precocious as he was, Shin especially couldn't be tamed... and whatever Enami thought of Akihiro, he and Shin were still _equal_. Enami almost envied their relationship sometimes. For all of their arguments and differences, in the end (now that graduation was fast approaching for another year), the two of them seemed rather startlingly well-adjusted. It seemed that Shin had grown up when he hadn't been looking. That happened sometimes.

Still, this easygoing climate had only developed within the past few months... prior to that, he and Tomoya had barely seen each other. It had taken a long time for Enami to work up the nerve to talk to Tomoya once he'd returned from England and it seemed that the situation was just the same for Tomoya; he'd felt hurt that Enami had left without saying anything and been gone for so _long_... all he could do was to pick up the pieces only to have them scattered once more on Enami's return. They had been unsure back then and this had continued for longer than Enami liked to think of. Eventually they'd managed to speak to one another but _that_ hadn't been easy... Tomoya blamed himself too easily for Enami's sudden disappearance and while Enami had had his many reasons, Tomoya _had_ been one of them.

All that was in the past now, though. They had easy access to one another, the kind of easygoing lifestyle that seemed perfect even now, the kind that had seemed so horribly desirable back then... and it wasn't that Enami didn't revel in it because he _did_, but...

Looking out of the window, he often found himself missing Tomoya's old bedroom. This time was no different.

It wasn't that the other bedroom had been much different... much of the furniture and other things adorning the room were exactly the same, taken from one place to the other... this place had the added bonus of being _completely_ Tomoya's - every room in the apartment was marked by little reminders that _he_ lived there, whether it was the post-it notes on the fridge or the signed poster of Synchro in the hallway. That he had his own apartment was a definite sign that he had his own life now, free and independent. It was his space and he freely let Enami enter it. This was noticed and appreciated.

Nothing quite matched the frantic excitement of that first week, though. That first time Enami had gone to Tomoya's house, back when he'd still been living with his parents. They had taken a week's holiday and had left Tomoya with the run of the house, except for a check-in from his sister in the middle of the week. She'd picked the most awkward time to visit, Enami felt he'd never forget hiding naked behind the sofa slowly crawling around it to avoid Kaori's line of sight; her visit had been brief but those few minutes had felt like hours in the giddy petrification that Enami felt for his presence to remain a secret... and when she'd gone and the house was theirs again, they'd laughed about the situation for the time it took to regain their previous mood. Kaori was long gone by the time they made any kind of sound they wouldn't have liked her hearing.

There had been an almost childish joy in that week, a kind of thrill akin to staying at a friends house and doing things they really shouldn't have been. Enami had known there was serious risk involved - if anybody saw him going to Tomoya's house at all there would have been questions, nevermind the issues that would have been raised had he ever been caught there... and yet they'd treated it like a game, they'd laughed about Kaori's visit, Enami did his best to distract Tomoya while talking on the phone to his parents... there had been something wonderfully gleeful about it. Then was the matter of Tomoya's room, of course.

The definition of 'room' was a fairly easy one. Wherever one slept and made their rest, one would consider that 'their' room. Tomoya's bedroom in his current apartment was clearly _his_ space - everything was how he'd left it, how he'd arranged it, how he'd decorated it... it was where his bed was, it was where he slept, it was _his_ room. Yet somehow it still felt... _different_ somehow. As if there was something a bit gratuitous within the atmosphere - as if it was almost too much for _everything_ to be his...

His bedroom at his parent's house had been where he'd grown up, hadn't it? He'd spent so many more years in _that_ room than he had in this one. Perhaps this room was physically organized exactly to Tomoya's liking but even after what maybe should have been long enough, there was still something about it that felt _new_ that Enami didn't like. Sometimes he'd be reminded of Tomoya's old house though usually he couldn't pinpoint how or why... a slight sound or scent of memory and for a moment the clock would turn and he'd be _there_, just for a moment. Back in that room that felt more suited to being gratuitously soaked in Tomoya's presence, that felt more fitting for their encounters... nowadays there were no obstacles or dangers, even the age difference was less likely to be frowned upon now that Tomoya was several years past having left school...

Sometimes Enami wondered if Megumi had had a point, though he never would have admitted this to anybody (let alone to Megumi herself). He felt that he honestly loved Tomoya and nothing would have wrought any different answer from his lips, but... when Tomoya would talk of his job or his responsibilities or his ongoing debate on whether to grow one of those little goatees or not, it still seemed terribly _sad_ somehow. That he had to grow up, that he had to have a grown up kind of life... and Enami would never mention this to Tomoya, knowing that that burden was one of the few responsibilities he felt he could still shoulder on Tomoya's behalf. Tomoya seemed unaware of that sadness, but of course he would; he had always been the younger, he had always been the protected... Enami had shielded him from all that he could and knew that that melancholy was something safely filtered from Tomoya's precious perspective.

Tomoya was not like him, Enami would constantly remind himself of this. Only if he ever wanted to shoulder someone else's burdens might he discover that inevitable pain... and if he were ever to take that on, Enami felt that his role would be rendered obsolete. While he admired how far Tomoya had come from the rather frantic child he'd been during his years at Seirei Gakuen, a selfish part of him hoped that Tomoya would always remain reliant on him _somehow_. That had partially been one of the reasons for the trip abroad - part of him thought it best if Tomoya were to adjust to life without him and another hoped that Tomoya would only be more possessive on his return. It had taken a while for the emotion of the latter to show itself but Enami was no stranger to the dangers of temptation and knew that the self-righteous thoughts that had sent him away in the first place were only excuses to his true feelings. Tomoya was an addiction Enami couldn't shake and the more he thought of it, the less he even _wanted_ to.

He couldn't forgive himself for hurting Tomoya so; that raw expression that etched itself over Tomoya's face whenever the subject was raised was enough to make Enami's chest tighten quite uncomfortably. Yet that pain brought on a desperation for it to not happen again, for Enami to always stay and never leave, _never_... and so was Enami's benefit of Tomoya's possessive streak. In the end, things had worked out to their design and they were on a path that they could happily continue to walk for as long as the two were interested of it.

Enami still had his dreams, though. Some more likely than others. He doubted that Tomoya would want to become a teacher at Seirei, as nice as it would be for them to be able to work together... but mixing work and home could be awkward, Enami had learnt that enough from Megumi. Aside from anything else, 'Okita-sensei' just didn't seem to fit Tomoya somehow. Then of course was the inevitable danger, what if Tomoya were to fall into Enami's habits? What if he were to see in those desperate teenagers what Enami often saw himself? Enami disliked that thought. It was best to keep Tomoya separate. Still, the thoughts of them living together or visiting England together, those dreams were surely harmless... and while Tomoya was grown, he wasn't _settled_. He likely had his own dreams he wished to follow.

Enami felt he could only hope that those dreams would contain him as much as his own dreams contained Tomoya.

"Nnn..."

That sound stirred Enami from his thoughts. He leant up from the windowsill, looking back across to the bed where Tomoya still lay but now with his eyes sleepily open.

"... Ren... ji..."

No matter how many times Tomoya said it, it always caused a slight shiver to course through Enami's body. Moreso from the times when hearing that name had been rare - when the walls of formality had still existed and it had been 'Okita-kun' and 'Enami-sensei' down to 'Okita' and 'Enami' before 'Tomoya' and 'Renji'... getting that last one out of Tomoya had been difficult, it had taken a long time for him to get used to calling his former teacher by his first name... yet now he was used to that, it worked the other way. Enami didn't like how much it excited him when Tomoya would take that innocent look and murmur _Enami-sensei_ in that way that drove him wild... and yet, like so many things, he couldn't find it in himself to prevent it. When it was to do with Tomoya, there seemed no point in denial.

"... What is it?"

"... You're awake..."

Enami cast another glance over the view outside the bedroom window, taking a deep breath of the cool air from outside. He smiled at his sleepy tousled lover, returning to the bed and tucking himself under the sheets. He felt Tomoya's arms slip gently around him almost as if on reflex - which for Tomoya, he supposed, they very well might have been.

"Force of habit. Seems I can't even let myself have a lie-in at the weekend, huh?"

"Nnn..."

Tomoya was nothing short of adorable when he was too sleepy to form coherent sentences. Enami stroked back his hair momentarily before letting his head fall to the pillow, "... It's too early to be awake. Go back to sleep."

"Mmn..."

Knowing that Tomoya needed no second bidding, Enami closed his own eyes in an attempt to drift off once more. He found it slightly harder to get to sleep than Tomoya did, especially when there was still a light on in the room... he'd got used to it as he'd got used to Tomoya but part of him still wanted to get out of bed and switch that damn light off just for _once_... but that would certainly wake Tomoya up again, it wasn't worth the strain.

Unable to drift off, Enami opened his eyes once more and shifted a little to be able to watch Tomoya as he slept.

Tomoya was settled now, wasn't he...? Even if it was only for the time being. Only for the night. Only for the few hours it would take for him to be fully rested before he awoke. Just for now he was settled and yet he still dreamt, did he not? Even if those dreams _were_ of a kind separate to ambition. A sleeping dream could just as easily be a nightmare, Enami had frequent experience of that at Tomoya's side... but it was nicer to think of Tomoya dreaming pleasant dreams.

There was also the knowledge in Enami's mind that for as long as Tomoya slept, he would remain at the boy's side. At least like that he knew he could play a part in Tomoya's dreams, even if it was only to hold him in his slumber. For the time being, for that specific moment, Enami didn't feel he particularly _wanted_ to know what it was that Tomoya dreamt.

Just _being _there...

For now, _that_ was enough.

~_fin_~


End file.
